Now my plan for coming to Japan was to come and serve the Lord by trying to lead people to Him. And i still intend to do so but recently my feeling of having something to accomplish has left me. My person is a fractured thing. Looking right and left for direction. Begging God to give me an idea of what to do next. Looking not only to the immediate future of what lessons should I teach but to the distant future of, "Am I supposed to be a church worker?", "Was God really calling me to be a pastor?", and "How do i reach my students?". Questions I can't even begin to guess the answers to.
This blog was imagined to be a place to further update my supporters as to what is happening in Japan. However, right now i can't tell what is happening. The occurances in Japan are God's doing and for the time being, invisible to my eyes. I'm not saying things aren't happening and i'm not saying i should see the results of my work in spiritual matters. I'm saying i'm lost.
I've spoken to a few people about my feelings and one of them suggested it's an attack. A way for satan to use my own doubts and fears to lead me away from the things i'm supposed to be doing. Katrina and I were talking about my questions and fears that have arisen lately and she asked what my spiritual gifts are? I couldn't answer. I didn't know. I don't know. LAst year at fall retreat i took a test which is kind of a test to tell what kind of gifts you specialize in or what type of ministry gifts you have. The two that i was highest in were servant and mercy. I think.
I wonder if i took the test again what kinds of results i would get? I also wonder where my spiritual gifts lie because i doubt that uncertainty is a spiritual gift.
I know some of you are going to look at this and get worried or freak out. and to be honest i'm right there with you. I talk, sometimes, about having my faith in my head rather than in my heart and hope that this time is a way to connect them. I can't seem to work it out logically so that takes my brain out of it. I'll just have to rely on God for the rest of the results. I appreciate any prayers to that effect.
With hope in Christ.
