Creativity

Recently i've been very creatively inclined. I've been looking back to my high school design classes and all of the drawing i did as a kid and i miss the simplicity of it all. Now as i grow up and try to design new things or use photoshop in the ways i once did i am horribly out of place. I feel as though not only my abilities to create works of art but my ability to imagine works things have died or been squashed.

I don't know why it is on this topic i have finally decided to post but it was the most pressing thing that came to mind. Recently i have been coloring, painting, and drawing with the hopes that something would come back to e of the times when it was fun. When i used to sit for hours before the tv not watching but listening as i would draw, make hoodies out of safety pins, or whatever. I miss those times. I don't know. it just feels like something has changed and all i want to do is go back to how it was before.

Don't get me wrong i love my wife and that aspect of my life couldn't be going better for me. (for her i know i could improve on my workings.) But in the rest of my life it feels somehow diminished. Like the joy i once had is gone now and replaced with bitterness and anger. I push it away and ignore it in some aspects like people had told me to, but that doesn't make it go away.

It gets worse. when the mere thought of someone brings a flood of anger and what could only be described as hatred. Things i don't want and am pleading with God to rid me of. But they don't seem to go away. Maybe it's not going to go away but I'm not giving up. I started a new Bible study about Joseph. Specifically the forgiveness and integrity he has in the face of great opportunities for anger and hatred. God willing this will help. Until then the battle rages...

6 months is a long time...

Looking over the last blog entry I made I came to the revelation that 6 months is a long time. Since I last posted way too many things have happened. I've planned both fall and spring retreat for VYM, I survived a family christmas which last year sent me to the hospital, I enjoyed a 6 month celebration of marriage with my wife, I became assistant director/kanto kluster leader of VYM, and most importantly for me I have been renewed by my God.

Most of you probably don't know that for the last 6 months at least I have been drifting. Drifting from the beliefs and faith I have had for so long. Walking away from that leading which brought me to Japan. God in his infinite grace wouldn't let me completely turn around and walk but he did let me back track a little to see what I would be missing.

These last few months have been busier than any I can remember in my life. But not quite busy enough to keep me from thinking about everything that has happened in the last year. I began questioning everything I could get my mind upon; my faith, my work, my hopes and future. Not all of it to the detriment of my life but for a long while it seemed that way.

I was looking ahead to the future but walking backwards towards the darkness that is always behind me. I couldn't see that that darkness was hurting me and pulling me away from that which is most important in my life. I wasn't looking towards where I was going, I was looking to the light and wondering why I didn't have it. Around new years or the first of February, it's hard to pin-point, I figured it out. I wasn't trying. I was expecting God to do all my work, to work in my life in the ways I wanted Him to. I was ignoring Him.

The last months have been awful because of my ignorance. Not only in my knowledge of not knowing what is happening but my ignoring God in my life. I was hopeless.

Thankfully for me I wasn't as hopeless as i thought. At least not in the eyes of my love. Katrina has been ever trying to lead me back. I saw what she was doing but for the longest time didn't think I needed it. I was ignoring not only God's callings but hers as well. She has been actively seeking for how to pray for me. And her prayers have been answered. I have found my faith again buried beneath all my rejection and ignorance. She fought for me and with God's help... saved me.

Now, it's my turn to fight. I have seen the ways she is fighting and am adopting them for her. I want to be the warrior my wife can depend upon. And all I need to to that is the training. So, I reach out to my Sensei and work with him to do everything I cannot do alone. I pray, I plan, I work, and do all for her and those whom God has called me to love.

This year will be different. I will be working with the best motivator at my side who uplifts, encourages, protects, guides, strengthens, endures, and loves. I will do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

And so, my prayers go out to you. Keep my accountable. Here is what I want to do this next year. I will be busier than ever before but I will be doing what I what made to do.

To do list:

Connect with the missionaries in Kanto at least twice a month

Play and have the 40 days Bible study as often as possible

Pray for my wife

Be active in ministry

Work and support my pastor

Tell every student about the love of Jesus

and more...